I heard we made out
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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