I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
