im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
