while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
