another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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