I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
