Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
