Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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