No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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