I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
