Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize