I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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