if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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