I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
