I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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