i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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