My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize