no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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