my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
