Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
