Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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