Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
