Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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