the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
