when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
