gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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