Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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