another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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