Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize