I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
