If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You are the jesus of drinking
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
