I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
