could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
