i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
