I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
