he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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