I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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