That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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