I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
