apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
