How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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