Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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