Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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