your room smells of hookers.
And success
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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