I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Come on in and take your pants off
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