You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
