MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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