Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you inspire me to be a worse person
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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