We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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