I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
