Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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