Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I AM VODKA MAN
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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