Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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