the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
