OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I love you. Go after that dick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
