It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
