how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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