I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
