i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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