My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
